I feel like I blabbed a lot, like a flooding river. Thinking back at it, I might have left little space for Jonathan to actually talk! My internal rhythm is still at 300 km/h. Yet the conversation brought clarity.
There was a lot to catch up with – life, work, and everything in between. I shared with Jonathan the personal difficulties I have been going through these past few months. Things I haven’t even fully processed yet but will probably influence my work, I don’t know how and when. It will manifest when it needs to.
We talked about the concept of scale. How our perception of things shifts when we look at the world through the lens of death. What once felt big now seems insignificant, and what was small suddenly takes up all the space. Absence feels so much greater than presence. And art can operate that shift in scale on many levels.
I found it can be a great instrument for self exploration, it can guide the heart into depths that the conscious mind is simply incapable of processing.
At this point I don’t care about making “nice” work.
And then Jonathan pointed out that that’s exactly what’s happening in my Hierophanies work.
The process of breathing is incredible and the way the image appears and disappears.
He asked if it still has the same effect on me now that I’ve done this process multiple times, or if knowing the process changes it. But to me it’s like meditation, no matter how often you do it, there’s still space for discovery. The first time has a certain exhilaration, but each time after, you go a little deeper.
I’ve been thinking about scale in a very physical way too. The original works are small, on 13x18 cm paper, but I see them bigger in my mind. I wish I could enter in these landscapes or be enveloped by them. I don’t know yet if I should go digital or not, it’s worth exploring.
We talked about my work in Unit 2, and I admitted I haven’t been a “perfect student”. Jonathan asked what does that even mean? Routine, structure, doing things “properly”?
If I learned something in this unit, is that the perfect context for work doesn’t exist. We can only deal with what we have, where we are and with the time we’re given.
In these past months, something shifted in the practice. There was no space for second-guessing, no time to hesitate, and I think that pressure scraped away some layers of insecurity. The work became more urgent, more honest.
I talked about the feeling of release of control in the darkroom. I didn’t realise it until Eliza made a comment about it in class.
I’m questioning my medium of choice as well. Maybe I can expand the practice beyond the image-making (photo/video). For example the incense&flowers shapes I made. I keep coming back to the idea of installation, of experience. How do you connect the visual and the olfactory? I’ve been thinking about casting images in soap, in transparent resin infused with essential oils. I want to push this further. I want to explode and expand.
Could the project for the Final Show be an installation?
Jonathan said that there’s a lot there, “a lot going on”. He reminded me that the final show isn’t about presenting a polished, finished project. My professional job is about that, sure, but in this case, it’s ok and even better to stay flexible and adaptable. To stay open. It’s impossible to share everything I’ve done, and it’s good to share something that still got contingency to it, that has this emerging quality to it. Something in becoming, that is still not completed.
The point is to put in place the ideas that will keep growing for many years, not just for the final unit of the course. It’s about setting the bases of all kinds of things to explore.
The work doesn’t have to be tied to one form, one space, or one resolution. It can be in Paris, in Italy, in KSA—each place changing the way it exists. Indoors, outdoors, printed large, projected, a video—it all behaves differently depending on context. That’s something exciting to think about. Art doesn’t have to be one thing. It has behaviors, and I can let it move.
“Don’t be tied to just that. Maybe there are spaces in Paris, Italy, KSA…where a work can be exposed and explored differently. Space plays a great role with work. It can be indoors, outdoors, the work changes. Don’t close it down to a specific place or a completed piece. Think about all these possibilities. It could be a giant strip print, a video projection…on the floor, ceiling, suspended…Think about the concept of art having behaviours. Think about the core of the project, as a whole bunch of buzzing ideas and you keep drawing and adding to that. But out of that come different behaviours of the work. In this small space it behaves in a way, in another large space it behaves differently; online is different etc…”
That’s something exciting to think about. There’s no right or wrong, because all these forms are coming from the same core, but they just have different behaviours. This mindset gives me a lot more freedom. Jonathan said there’s no expectation for the final show. It doesn’t even need to be physically present. It could be documentation of something I did somewhere else. We’ll see about that.
I finally recognised the importance of unit 2. The amount of research I did will power my practice for years, and it simply opened a door ajar. There is still so much to be researched. If I hadn’t had to do it for the unit, I don’t think I would have ever done it, or at least it would have taken me years to get to this point.
I spent so much of Unit 2 stressing about the idea that I wasn’t producing enough, not reflecting enough, not writing enough. But then, when I had to submit my learning outcomes, I saw it all laid out: “well, look at all these things I HAVE done”.
I am now in a place of acceptance and I am satisfied with what I have done in this time. I’d better spend my energies asking “what could I do next” rather than “what I could have done”.
Jonathan commented on the lucidity of what I had said during the conversation. Now I know there is no such thing as perfect context, and now I know why I make art, the exterior process IS the interior process and it scrapes out layers of insecurities.
Then he asked me what kind of satisfaction I’m feeling. First reaction is “I can’t believe I made it!”. There were moments when I really didn’t think so. The second layer of satisfaction is that I finally stand by what I’ve done, as imperfect as it is. No comments, no excuses. Just a few months ago I would have been looking for ways to justify what I have done and could have done better. Today, I stand by it. That is the absolute best I could do. And I am proud of it.
Jonathan told me the work is aesthetically fascinating but also that there’s more to it, there are so many layers of personal depth in it and it feels like I can build on that. It’s rich and powerful for the future.
Jonathan aksed what is the biggest challenge now: powerlessness—in life, in art. There are things happening around me that I can’t change, and it’s hard to stand witness and do nothing. There’s also the reality of practical limitations: space, skills, resources. But if the work needs more space, more skills, I’ll find a way. I won’t let that stop me. The mental challenges, though, that’s something else. I do worry about that. That my mind could put a hold on my practice. And if it does, I’ll have to face it. Not avoid it.
My focus now is not on the end result. The non-rule space is working for me. Playful exploration of the material. The accidents are good.
I’m getting to know my practice, and I’m getting to know myself through the practice. If I may borrow a metaphor, it’s not about making a “red painting”, it’s about paint itself.
So what’s next
"So, what's next?" - Jonathan asked.
Dive deeper into the incensegrams (find a name for them!), push them into different shapes, increase the scale.
Learn how to make and manipulate incense
Extend to different materials maybe? I feel a desire to burn stuff. I want to experiment with burning different materials, see what happens. Yes, I bought a fire extinguisher!
Keep researching.
I’m also going to reconnect a little with my social like. Seeing friends. Go back to the world. Take care of myself.
We had a final reflection about the photographic medium.
With a camera, I take pictures. It feels like stealing them.
With camera-less processes, I make pictures.
It’s a completely different relationship, much closer to painting. More physical. And looking back at my trajectory, it makes sense. In my past film work, I was always trying to get closer—using macro to penetrate matter, to reach inside. Now, with these new techniques, I’m not just looking at the material, I’m inside it. And we both transform in process.
Finally, Jonathan looked at my latest incense images and said they’re stunning. Mesmerising. That it’s a gift I’ve been given. He encouraged me to play with it. “We want to see what happens with it. Pursue it and see what’s down there”.
I think that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
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