Reflecting on the concept of Uncertainty. Am I comfortable with it? What part does it have in my work? This questions come at a time of great uncertainty, on a global and personal level. Am I comfortable with it? not at all! I feel powerless in front of the uncertainty of the world and terrified of the uncertainty of my own life, as it affects my family and loved ones. And yet, I am certain of the potential of uncertainty.
I think there are different kinds of uncertainty. It is sterile when it leads to second guessing, self doubt, undermining. But an uncertain space can be full of possibilities if we are capable of following them. Uncertainty can unleash experimentation, exploration, surprise. That's what Kentridge was talking about in the video Jonathan shared.
In my work I experienced great liberation through uncertainty. To me this concept is strongly connected to the idea of control. I have a tendency, or maybe I was taught, to always seek control over situations. But when I manage to release control, to let go, my practice takes on a totally new dimension.
This is what I love about the darkroom. When I'm in there and I manage to stop thinking, I feel like my role is simply to follow the materials. Or better, to dialogue with them. It's like being on a plane: I have an idea of where I'm going but someone else, something else, is driving. And I can finally enjoy the ride. Along the journey, interesting things emerge sometimes. What I have to do is notice and interact with them. And then a narrative that I don't know starts unfolding. I feel more like a translator of this story, rather than the writer. Is an artist supposed to be a passenger of their own art? To be honest I haven't felt this way in a long while. Recent events in my life have put me in a condition of extreme fear, guilt, pressure, and anxiety. It's as if body and mind are stuck in a constant state of contraction that I can't release. I need to move through this pain. And I need time. The kind of uncertainty Kentridge talks about feels like a luxury right now. In class we also reflected on the questions "what is your work asking of you?" and "what challenges do you face in following your work?"
I feel my work is asking me to be vulnerable. It's not that I don't want to be, I think I am too much. I'm finding it incredibly difficult to connect to my own pain at this time. And this only feeds my anxiety and anger even more, and makes everything stuck.
When the enrolment letter arrived a couple of months ago, I was crushed. I considered taking a year out of the Masters, but a voice deep down in my guts tells me that it would be a big mistake and it would deprive me of the one good thing going on right now. Will this be the right decision? Do I have the energy that the course demands? I don't know. But I believe in the healing and transformative power of art. What I am putting at risk is also the very thing that could save me in this difficult period. It is always enlightening to look back at things. It will be interesting to look back at this post in a few months or a few years and see where my intuition has taken me. This uncertainty is both scary and oddly comforting. Only time will tell.
Comments